Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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