I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
