I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
