I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
