I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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