My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
did i just pee glitter
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
