Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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