He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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