I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
