i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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