and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
