You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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