like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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