You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
