Swine flu. Run for my life!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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