Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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