Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
