So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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