help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
