I want to have your abortion
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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