I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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