I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
