So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
