well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
