Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
