Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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