I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he just fucked me for my cheese..
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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