And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
