between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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