My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
