I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
