My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
