I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You ate ashes out of my bong
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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