i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
