Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
