Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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