So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
