i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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