Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
