**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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