He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
