TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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