cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
