it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
