before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
this hospital has no fireball
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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