my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Fuck appropriateness.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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