our cab driver is having phone sex.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
