I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
