I want to have your abortion
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize