i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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