Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
