You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
