I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
