i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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