Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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