listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
