i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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