I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
