he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize