Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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