I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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