You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
